diary

(( Originally posted January 9, 2007 @ RealmPortal ))

Everyone's talking about it. They were right, Doctor Vines, Tundrarunner, Shivae, they were right.

And now things are... everything's so bright. It's not screaming, not any more, it's singing.

I can't abandon them. I can't... not now. Not NOW.

But it looks, it sounds, it FEELS--

If not now, then never.

(( Originally posted January 5, 2007 @ RealmPortal ))

What's happening? Things are so...

Shivae told me that Tundrarunner is back, but that the Dark Portal is opening. He's going to go through, and she's going to go with him. She promised. Only, she's sick, and might not make it. Some human is poisoning her, or is poisoned, or, something. She didn't seem to... why doesn't she want to do anything about it? I don't understand. If she can't find this woman, she said she'd... pray.

That doesn't always work. Maybe I still don't have enough faith for this after all.

There's them, and poor Doctor Vines, Juliard. I have no idea what happened, but I know the damage to his robe will take me a few days to fix. And that crystal in the pocket... Doctor, what did you get yourself into?

(( Originally posted December 12, 2006 @ RealmPortal ))

I’ve been having one of those stretches where I’m almost afraid to write. Not so much that setting my thoughts to paper will make them real this time, but the opposite. I’m afraid that what seems so clear in esoteric thoughts will shatter and break when I try to force them into the constraints of words. And maybe, just maybe, I’m a little afraid that if I write them, then I’ll be committed, and no longer have anywhere to retreat to. That’s probably a good thing.

The hardest, I suppose, is the demons. Before, I think, they expected me to waver, especially since I missed Thokdok and Slootom. This time, they know that I’m serious, which may be why they’re, well the damn imp is anyway, showing that I’m not always needed to bring them here, even if they do still have to listen to me once I arrive. Having Undel (grudgingly) offer to help Pagtuk the other day, when he wasn’t even supposed to be there in the first place, well... let’s just say I’m not really sorry that he got crushed after de-phasing so she could do so.

(( Originally posted November 1, 2006 @ RealmPortal ))

(( Originally posted October 4, 2006 @ RealmPortal ))

Relationships are complicated. Sometimes, I can't decide what I think about love. I thought I was done with the ridiculous romantic notions I had when I was younger. Thought I was disillusioned and jaded by life and time.

But then, I'll see something like Sheva's kiss stop Dop'lgangah in its tracks. Because it had to act like Kowits and Kowits could never hurt her. I think, anyway. See, romantic notions.

But I'll also see Tabaqui crumble into a thousand pieces without Olm. See her hurt everyone else who loves her for want of him. Doesn't seem worth it, being tied so tightly to someone that you're so damaged by their absence. Even if they are so sweet when they're together.

(( Originally posted September 26, 2006 @ RealmPortal ))

Did we do the right thing? I don't know. Tundrarunner says yes. I don't know.

I'm tired. That wasn't easy. Was already sore. Now I'm sore and tried. Great.

Tabaqui's... looking into things. About him. About Doctor Vines. About me. She doesn't understand why I would be upset by that.

Temptation. I've gotten used to not knowing. Trying to find out, well, that took me bad places. Now... I can't not look. She said the person she hired found something. If it's about be, then I can't not look.

And I'm scared about what happens next.

(( Originally posted September 22, 2006 @ RealmPortal ))

I worry and I fear. It's what I do. Pointlessly, sometimes, but they... don't know what can be done with a shard. And I can't explain it to them. I'm not sure why; it's not like they trust me anyway.
It's all right; I understand. I just forget sometimes, that's all.

But I couldn't risk her losing herself like that again. Can't do another Moonwell ceremony. It'll kill me, I think, and no matter what I said last night, I can't let that happen, not yet. I promised Sakti.

Two precious souls in my care. Identical shards for such different people. Need to get them both back where they belong. Soon, I think.

(( Originally posted September 14, 2006 @ RealmPortal ))

To-do:

• copy Meleen's letter, send it to:
  • Zue'laji
  • Aviyanna
  • Siwili
  • Uzil
  • Undel
  • Hakkajin and Andra (?) -- they still might kill him...
  • Tabaqui
• send Tabaqui an explanation on what I was babbling about. She wasn't there!
• finish reading Kowits' notes
• find Sheva
• find the spider
• find the Dopl-whatever

SOON!

(( Originally posted September 1, 2006 @ RealmPortal ))

Well, that went all right. I brought too much Port and Jungle Vine wine, and I don’t think I was charging enough, but I didn’t run out and I only spilled two drinks! I just wish they hadn’t been the Mead.

I’m very glad Nastasya went to get water for me though. I’ve never heard it asked for, and then three times the first night I’m serving! Oh well.

It was very nice of Kharak to escort me through Booty Bay, nicer still to know that Adjani understands. Sweet word, pretty flowers, and gentleman’s charm, nothing more.

Except… is he really looking for someone for me?

(( Originally posted August 30, 2006 @ RealmPortal ))

(( Originally posted August 21, 2006 @ RealmPortal ))

I’ve been staring at this book again, without knowing what to write or where to start.

Undel is no longer interested in dating me, which is good. Whatever crush she had at least gives room for friendship. I didn’t really expect that when all of this started, and certainly not when it fell apart, so I’m glad.

(( Originally posted August 4, 2006 @ RealmPortal ))

So, they know now. I just sort of, blurted it out while everything was confusing and we were trying to tell them about… the other thing.

Tundrarunner said it had to be told at some point, but… this, might have been worse than never speaking about it. From poor Barbot coming in at the middle, to Cirene’s strangely barbed comments, to Jessa and Siwili’s acceptance, to Borel’s… I don’t know what that was.

This is what going crazy is like? No, being inside of it is. Not that I want him to know that, definitely not!

(( Originally posted August 1, 2006 @ RealmPortal ))

What did we do?

I forgot, how hard it was at first. Maybe didn’t want to remember; I’m too close to that edge. And Tabaqui, she has friends and family, which should make it better but also makes it so much worse. I knew this would be hard, would be hurting her. I just didn’t realise how much.

Thank you, Olm.

She was willing to stay like this. Thought it was selfish, to want her own body back. How could it have been so hard to show her that she doesn’t deserve it? Oh Tabi, I’m so sorry.

(( Originally posted July 31, 2006 @ RealmPortal ))

Tabaqui’s healed. I’m to keep using the potions and the salve for a while, just to be sure, but she’s better. And I stole that experience from her. I felt it, at the end, the Earthmother’s blessing. She should have; she’s the one who deserves it.