The Daily Ride

The stables are a well maintained area, for their purpose. I venture there twice daily, once to saddle and prepare the squirming child that is my hawkstrider, and again to return him, exhausted, to his roost. This daily ritual, performed after my routine check-in with the Sanctum, has been all that keeps me sane. Well, perhaps that is inaccurate. Jim is certainly a large help in keeping my mind in one piece, but what I experience around him is a distinct… lack. Lack of feeling, lack of care, lack of thought. A smothering void of emotion and fear, which I once craved but I now… need? Is that the right word? Need?

The stables are not far from my apartments in Silvermoon. The sale is almost finalized; I’ve gone through and scrubbed every surface in preparation for the move. All my things are in transit to the Hinterlands. I’ve not yet told my superiors of my departure. I suppose that is something I will have to face eventually, but for now, I round the bend and find Quirk there, glaring at me with those wide amber eyes of his, demanding in his simple way that I delight him with freedom.

The first few minutes are a challenge. The bird hops and fidgets and pecks, squawking his indignation at being saddled- again. Regardless, I smile at the challenge, and I dip and swerve and dodge with the grace of my years while strapping buckles here, tightening straps there. Checking once, twice, three times to ensure the embroidered bit of leather is securely in place before I mount the impatient bird.

He breaks from the stables with such fervor that, momentarily, I am unable to breathe. His speed is impressive, for his size, though nothing compared to my accursed Charger. I manage to hang on, and though I am never quite sure how I should feel at these times, a wide grin finds itself on my face. I suppose for all that I am, I am not particularly inclined to control. That is rather what got me into this pretty little situation.

I let the bird run while I think. It is the same every day, for half an hour or so the willful creature will not be lead by reign. I let him run. He bucks and hops and ducks and dives, careening through the streets of Silvermoon with reckless abandon. I imagine he thinks himself terribly clever, trying to throw me, but my grip is strong, and my will is stronger. Before long he slows to a pleasant trot, and we wander together, in thought, in body.

This has been an interesting week. Looking back, I can’t pinpoint where things went… wrong. After the incident in the Sanctum, I began my own form of damage control. I forced myself to go about my business. I healed those who needed healing; I did not abandon my work even though my instincts screamed that he knew where to find me. If anything, I felt safer there for the knowledge that my fellow Blood Knights were just a heightened word away. After a few days, I was able to put these thoughts in the back of my mind, where they could not bother me.

I began to walk the streets again. I met many new people, and further delved into the hearts and minds of those I had already met. I even managed a little trip into Eversong, where the hawkmistress insisted that I take Quirk. Untrainable, she called him, unfit for a saddle. Free, she said. Well, I never was one to argue with a charity case. We get along famously, for all that he despises me.

This bird, this marvelous creature. He’s small for his age, still not quite an adult. Just the right fit.

I catch myself somewhere in the Exchange, paused near the fountain. Quirk looks around, wondering why I’ve stopped guiding him. I look down at my hands. Momentarily, I’m lost to myself, staring at my life from another perspective. How did I end up here?

Ruecien. Ruecien, Ruecien. It was just an ordinary chat we were having. I’d even taken him to my favorite spot in Eversong, near a quiet little waterfall and a small pool. He held the then-rabbit Hakkajin, and we discussed all manner of things. I suppose I should be thankful that the rabbit was not merely a rabbit. Perhaps then I would have been truly alone with Ruecien when he… changed. All the same. The very memory of this event brings chills to drip down my spine, my heart to pick up its pace and hammer in my chest. Is it just my luck that he holds within him some monstrosity?

I think again of Jim. Oh, Jim. Had I known all along that you were going to meet me there? Or was it some strange luck that puts you in place when I need you? Oh, there’s that word again. Need.

Regardless, when indeed I did realize that Ruecien was no longer Ruecien, I called out to him. I screamed, in spite of myself. Such control I thought I had, and I screamed. Fortune smiled and rewarded me. Tumbling down the hill sprinted my knight in shining armor, two trolls, a tauren, and Liore in tow. If it had been any other situation, I might have laughed. I might have smiled in surprise. But Ruecien still crept toward me, fingers twitching, expression murderous, or worse. It was all I could do to cry out to Jim as he snarled and tackled the frail man. Please, don’t hurt him. Don’t hurt him.

He was subdued, and when he woke, his memory of the incident and all else had been erased. He did not know my face, nor why I gaped at him so. I am glad in the end this entire evening was removed from his memory, as I now know he was not the one responsible for attacking me. I will find out what it is, and I will find a way to help him, if it kills me. Jim warns me against such thoughts, but, again, charity cases.

We’re moving again. Quirk makes a break for the front gates, squawking happily. I let him, as I’ve more time on my hands than usual, today. The sudden burst of sunlight across my face sends my heart into a frantic pace, and it is all I can do but stay seated until the bird clears the shade again. The cover of trees soothes me, but my mind finds darker places to wander.

I went to the Zhevra. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew from the outset that relying on Jim for such comfort was folly. He could not be near me at any given moment, as much as I imagined it was possible. Even now, a day later, I cannot fathom why I asked to accompany him. Curiosity, was it? Was this a part of my plan to gradually desensitize myself to the things that ordinarily frighten me beyond reason? This is what I told myself originally, I know. But upon looking back, I shudder with a calm realization. I have not learned a damn thing, not after four hundred years of practice.

I’m still not sure on this point, but his troll friend Faraji and that unpleasant Faetrix woman somehow got into a tussle. She chopped off his ear, and he lobbed her down a hill, but ultimately it was an extremely large tauren that broke up the fight. He dragged them off somewhere, and, I assume only because of what happened later, he tossed them into the bay for their carelessness. I went with Jim to look for them, but, of course, I should have known I would be followed. That is my luck.

I stood at the water’s edge, watching Jim sink beneath the waves to ‘rescue’ his troll friend. I kept a close watch on him, so close that the sound of gravel sliding down the hillside only barely registered. It was only when he spoke that I realized the mistake I had made, and again my fear got the better of me. I sputtered and whipped around to face him. I felt the blood drain from my face, the horror creep into my features. That look, that look. What did I do to deserve that look?

He advanced. I moved back until, as if preordained by some humorless Gods, I found myself pressed against the firm bole of a tree. He stood between me and the only exit, or perhaps a quick drop into a watery grave. It occurs to me as I ride that it will really benefit me to learn to swim.

I don’t really remember what I said to him. I just remember the way my heart raced, the hungry smile on his face. I remember the tremors that shook my limbs to jelly, the harsh pull and release of air in my lungs. So scared, so terribly afraid. And of what? He did not touch me. Even when he stood just a foot away, he did not touch me. I ask myself over and over again: Why was I so fearful?

Images in my mind came forth unbidden. A star strewn sky, earth cold against my back. I was lying there, just looking at it. Laughter, a smiling face hovering above mine. There were words, but I couldn’t make them out. My ears felt stuffed. The face was so close to mine, but my vision blurred, and I only had in mind to watch the stars. The stars were far enough away, I could drown in them if I wanted to. Anything but that face…

I woke from my reverie when, at last, Quirk was able to throw me. He cackled in that asinine way of his, and darted off into the golden groves of Eversong. I stood on the banks of my favorite pool and dusted myself off. All’s well that ends well, I thought to myself.

He didn’t touch me. Jim at last surfaced and darted my way upon seeing the elf just inches from me, and ran up to my rescue. My luck, my luck! How I hope it never runs out. I remember vaguely the exchange… Faetrix, and Zyjiin, and a strange tauren female were present. I said some things that are lost to me now, convinced Jim to leave the offending elf alone, and I left. I left, and I told Jim to stay, to try and enjoy himself as he might have without me.

I also remember waking as if from a dream, seated in the comfort of our hut, and screaming.

I screamed because no one could hear me, and I screamed because I hoped someone would. Fear, like a coiled black snake, writhed inside me and took from me my senses until, at last, I was left a quivering mass of flesh and robes wishing desperate that I had not sent him away. Oh, Jim, how I need you.

There’s that word again.

He came back. I slept dreamlessly, happy with the void he induced upon me, and all was well. He was still there when I woke, and I was happy. Now that I have made my daily return to Silvermoon, now that I am left to my own devices… I begin to wonder.

This need… this need will not cure me. The only way to be rid of this fear is to face it. I am so incredibly tired of this nonsense.

Without going in search of Quirk, I make my way back to Silvermoon. I remain upright as sun unabashedly shines down upon me, despite the inexplicable ache that roars within me. I will overcome. I will not bow to this fear; I will not let it destroy me. This is my mantra, as I retreat to the stables, and find a smiling, smug hawkstrider there waiting for me.

Cheeky little bastard.

(( Y'know, only half of this was 'intentional' OoC. Seriously craziest RP week for me in a long while. Big thanks to all involved <3 ))